I am without

Sometimes what you want and what you should do are completely different things. Sometimes you don’t know what either of those things are.

As I sit here listening to Christmas music, gearing up for the season, I am without. I don’t know what to do with all of the emotions that I’m feeling. I feel sadness. I feel as if I am grieving not the death of a person, but the death of a life I thought I'd have, a life I wanted. I feel regret that I didn’t act one way, or acted too ferociously another.

He was the greatest love that I have yet felt in this life. Some of my biggest milestones. and greatest failures, were shared together. My memories act as pieces of who I am, intricately woven together making me, me. For five years I have thought of him nearly once every single day and this next journey ahead of me will be a hard one.

Mostly I hope he finds what he wants. I hope that being away from me will release him to be the person he wants to be and find the kind of love that will spark something inside of him that he is sure of. I want him to find that 100% that he was never sure of with me.