I'm sitting here tonight feeling pretty sad. I know that it's time to move on but I can't get myself to let go. The what-ifs are so much stronger this time around, there was so much more at stake. The memories feel too strong at times and I'm afraid that once I forget them, I'll forget him. I already don't remember what he sounds like and each day that passes, I lose a little more of the picture of him inside my head. I woke the other night out of the deepest sleep I've had in what felt like years. I rolled over expecting him to be there and reached out to grab him and draw him closer. I was awake but living a dream-like state that I feel, still today, I haven't woken from. I pride myself on feeling resilient and that I can overcome a lot because I am strong. And I am strong. But this time around it hurts much deeper. It's time we move on. Like we're a train rolling onto another town, without stopping to see the scenery that we're missing. I know I have to begin my next chapter I just don't feel strong or ready right now. I don't want to head into this next chapter feeling as weak as I do now.

I am without

Sometimes what you want and what you should do are completely different things. Sometimes you don’t know what either of those things are.

As I sit here listening to Christmas music, gearing up for the season, I am without. I don’t know what to do with all of the emotions that I’m feeling. I feel sadness. I feel as if I am grieving not the death of a person, but the death of a life I thought I'd have, a life I wanted. I feel regret that I didn’t act one way, or acted too ferociously another.

He was the greatest love that I have yet felt in this life. Some of my biggest milestones. and greatest failures, were shared together. My memories act as pieces of who I am, intricately woven together making me, me. For five years I have thought of him nearly once every single day and this next journey ahead of me will be a hard one.

Mostly I hope he finds what he wants. I hope that being away from me will release him to be the person he wants to be and find the kind of love that will spark something inside of him that he is sure of. I want him to find that 100% that he was never sure of with me.

The daily grind

It's nearly 2016. Where has the year gone?

I can't believe that it's been almost a year since I graduated from the French Pastry School, moved back to Madison, and began this crazy journey doing something that I love. I sat here a few years ago and wondered if I was making a huge mistake by changing my career path, and while I still have those doubts, they have become more few and far between.

My restaurant life, as I've come to call it, is crazy. Some weeks are defined by stress and anxiety - will I finish my work? Will I spill my entire batch of anglaise in the cooler? Will a coworker crank my oven temperature up and ruin my apple chips tonight?

And other times my weeks are defined by seasonal produce and celebrations. Beautifully ripe peaches fresh from the market. Maple syrup tapped just last week from the Amish community who also make our dining furniture. A special birthday, a 50 year anniversary.

Working in the restaurant has given me courage. I'm encouraged to speak my mind and I'm valued for my creativity. I bounce delicious ideas for a living, and make them come alive. My restaurant family test my patience and rough house like brothers do, but come to my side when I need them. And they make one heck of a staff meal.

I am a pastry chef. I won't always be, but for right now it feels good.

My soul mate

What a crazy, whirlwind of a year it has been. Forgive me, readers, for the one sparse post that has been written since this time last year. Even now I am not sure where to begin, and it’s hard to believe that it is already April! A few weeks ago, we made the hard decision to put Whitey to sleep after seventeen long years together. I never thought that I would be sitting down and typing those words, and it still seems far too surreal. After his autopsy revealed that he suffered from liver cancer in the end, it reassured that we made the best decision so that he wouldn’t be in pain any longer. I’m so grateful that Kelly, Molly, and Mom were able to be there and I know that he knew the room was spewing with love. Whitey and I had a few good talks together during those last new nights we were alone and I promised him that we’d meet again sometime. I thanked him for being the best friend of my girlhood, the most understanding college roommate, and perhaps the best soul mate when my heart was broken. It’s true when people say that pets are like family. Whitey had the biggest heart, was the most forgiving, and I know that nothing can ever replace that.

My City of Light

My first impression when arriving in Paris was like I expected; like any city Paris was big and old. We settled into our apartment for the week in Montmartre, in the 19th arrondissement, a neighborhood right on the outskirts of the heart of Paris. What I didn't expect was how much Paris would grow on me and how after I got back to the States it’s mostly all I can think about.

For nearly the entire week that Kelly and I spent in Paris, the weather was gloomy. There were only a few days where the sun poked through, and only once did a downpour stop us in our tracks, but for the most part the rain was kept at bay. We were able to fit in a week packed with museums, pastries, and taking time to get lost, which turned out to be one of my favorite parts of the entire trip.

As I imagined, the small streets throughout Paris, like most old European cities, wind about with quaint cafes and overhangs where Parisians gather to enjoy company (et les cigarettes) near the copious brasseries and bistrots that run throughout the city. I could go on describing every day we spent in Paris if asked. Even without the sun poking through the clouds, everything shone. The old buildings are rich with history as well as the people who live in them; they are rich with traditions and a way of life that has been stubborn to adapt to any influences that are not French. By the end of the week it was second nature to walk in and out of stores personally greeting the owners and taking time to marvel at a craft that is someone’s livelihood, and probably has been for generations.

It wasn't until mid-week, sitting in a Montmartre Starbucks of all places, that I fell in love. It was still the same dreary sky that blanketed Paris that morning, but spending the day climbing to the Sacre Couer cathedral captured my heart. Kelly and I spent the day on our own self-guided walking tour, winding the back roads to one of the highest hills in the city where we could see everything in Paris wonderfully illuminated beneath us. We saw Le Moulin Rouge in the morning, squeezed in a peek at Picasso’s old apartment and the Dali museum, and finally toured the Sacre Couer, or Sacred Heart. I remember looking over the city and couldn't be more grateful that Kelly took time to come to Europe with me, to see out my fascination with a city that I had been dreaming of visiting for as long as I can remember.

After getting back from Europe I was so eager to blog about our adventures so that I wouldn’t miss any memories. Time passed so quickly and I can’t believe how just now I’m sharing only fractions of what I remember from Paris. If I could spend every morning waking to the smell of the patisserie below our apartment in the 19th, or roaming the open air markets alive with such colorful produce that it seems too good to be true, I would in a heartbeat. I know that someday I will make it back to Paris. I'll try the nearly twenty five other restaurants and bakeries that we missed along the way. I would take many more days getting lost and sitting on the banks of the Seine with a good book. What Kelly and I learned was that it is impossible to cover everything that makes Paris so fantastic in one short week, and there are so many more wonderful adventures to be had. After sitting down for months hoping to finalize this post I found that finding the words to describe Paris is like trying to chercher une toilette : nearly impossible to do but once you have, it's definitely worth the wait.

Did you think I was finished? Or crazy enough to whip up two recipes in one night? I am not finished, nor am I crazy. But it really depends who you ask.



I also prepped a healthy dinner for the week; one that I could freeze and knew wouldn't go bad, one that was packed with veggies, and one that happened to come from a favorite chef of mine. While I was reading the newest Vegetarian Times I came across a recipe from Mark Bittman who is promoting his new book, VB6: Eat Vegan Before 6:00 to Lose Weight and Restore Your Health . . . for Good. Hush, hush. I'm not trying to lose weight (and keep it off for good!) but I am, and have been, leaning toward a more vegan lifestyle for a while now. In his other book Food Matters, which I'm currently reading, Bittman presents a compelling case for eating less meat products and processed food to promote a healthier environment and body. Because I already very rarely cook meat for myself and also seldom eat dairy because of lactose-intolerance, it's been easy and I'm continuously trying to incorporate more veggies into my diet.



Those stacked containers in the corner, my friends, is a Chickpea Ratatouille from Bittman's new book and it is fantastic. A Ratatouille is traditionally layered very pretty in a gratin dish but this version is more like a stew of roasted vegetables that is as tasty as it is colorful. I've made ratatouille stews in the summer before because if you can get your hand on fresh veggies from the market, and don't mind doing a little chopping, this dish is very inexpensive. While the granola bars were in the oven I began chopping the veg and before you know it you're enjoying a healthy dinner that freezes and reheats beautifully, making it a go-to recipe for busy nights.

Mark Bittman's Chickpea Ratatouille



Although this stew is great on its own, I enjoyed it atop a sauteed pile of kale and it was delicious. Also, feel free to sub out or add any other vegetable that sound good. Like the granola bar recipe the ingredients are a loose template and you should add flavors that you enjoy.

1 lb. small eggplant, cut into large chunks
1 lb. Roma tomatoes, cored and chopped, or (1) 28-oz. can whole tomatoes, drained and chopped
3/4 lb. zucchini, cut into large chunks
1 medium yellow onion, sliced (1 1/2 cups)
2 red or yellow bell peppers, cored, seeded, and sliced
5 cloves garlic, peeled and halved
1 tsp. salt
1/4 cup olive oil*
3 cups cooked or canned chickpeas, rinsed and drained
1 Tbsp. chopped fresh thyme or rosemary, or 1/2 cup chopped fresh basil or parsley

*While I didn't touch anything else in this recipe, I opted not to use the full amount of oil. I probably used half the amount and it still turned out great. The veggies release enough juices to avoid over drying.



Preheat oven to 425 degrees F. Combine eggplant, tomatoes, zucchini, onion, bell peppers, garlic, salt and oil in large
roasting pan.



Roast 30 to 40 minutes, or until vegetables are lightly browned and tender, and some water has released from tomatoes to create a sauce, stirring occasionally.

Stir in chickpeas, and roast 5 to 10 minutes more, or until chickpeas are heated through. Stir in thyme, and season with salt and pepper, if desired. Serve hot, warm, or at room temperature.

The race to the finish line always begins with finals week. Even though this is my last week from hell week of classes, I've come prepared. It's about time, it only took four years.

Snacks.



Yes, that's right. While I should have been spending another couple hours working on my paper last night, I decided instead to prep some healthy and tasty snacks to get me through my last week of finals.

Finals week, and when I'm stressed in general, is always dangerous when it comes to healthy eating. I've usually got breakfast down: Coffee, grapenuts, berries, and almond milk but the healthy mindset that I enter the day with seems to go right out the door when the afternoon approaches. If I'm on campus and haven't packed enough good snacks to keep me focused I'm guilty of caving every now and again. If you must know, my weakness are those sweetened Greek yogurt cups - you know the ones - they market them like a healthy snack option but a peek at the nutrition label reveals they're a bit more like ice cream than anything else. Granola bars are up there with Greek yogurt in the "healthy-disguise" category as well, and after reading some labels I was realizing that some brands are actually more akin to candy bars than they are to oatmeal.

After stumbling across some homemade granola bar recipes I decided to try my hand at it and play around with some flavors and textures that I like. Like every homemade granola recipe, the ingredients are really up to you. You can play with different nuts and dried fruit, or you can mix up the spices and extracts. It's nice to deviate from ordinary dried fruit and nuts every now and again.

Homemade Granola Bars

One of the things that makes this recipe so great is that you can change up the flavor combinations in infinite ways, which is especially helpful when you're cleaning out the cupboards. This recipe is just a basic template but below the recipe I've included a few flavor combinations, including the ones I made, to change things up a bit. I tried mimicking Kashi's Dark Chocolate Cherry Almond, although sans dark chocolate. If you're feeling a little more decadent feel free to throw in some good quality dark chocolate for a little something special.

1 1/2 cups old-fashioned oats
1 cup crispy rice cereal, puffed millet, high-fiber cereal mix (like Kashi Go Lean, which I used), crushed pretzel sticks, or any other crispy grain or cereal
1/2 cup chopped nuts, like walnuts, peanuts, almonds, or pecans
1/2 - 1 cup dried fruits like cranberries, raisins, or cherries
1/2 cup brown rice syrup
1 teaspoon vanilla extract (or extract of your choice)
1/4 teaspoon salt*
1/2 - 1 teaspoon spices, like cinnamon or pumpkin pie spice (optional)
3 tablespoons peanut butter or 1 tablespoon cocoa powder (optional for firmer bars)

*Instead of using table salt here, I used a big pinch of a flaky sea salt. It was wonderful to take a bite and get a salty bit every now and again.

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F with a rack in the middle of the oven. Line an 8 x 8 square baking pan with parchment paper, leaving extra parchment to hang over the sides. Lightly coat with nonstick cooking spray or butter. If desired, toast the nuts and grains for 10-15 minutes until toasted and fragrant. For softer dried fruit pieces, soak the dried fruit in hot water for 10 minutes and drain before using.



Mix the oats, cereal, nuts, and dried fruit together in a mixing bowl.



Warm the rice syrup for 10-15 seconds in the microwave or in a small saucepan over medium heat. It should be just loose and liquidy enough to pour. Mix in the extract, salt, spices (if using), and peanut butter or cocoa powder (if using).



Pour the rice syrup over the dry ingredients. Use a spatula to scrape the last of the syrup. Stir the rice syrup into the dry ingredients until the ingredients are completely coated and start to stick together in clumps.

Pour the mixture into the prepared pan. Use wet or lightly oiled hands to firmly press the mixture into the pan. Bake the bars for 20-25 minutes for chewy granola bars or 25-30 minutes for crunchy bars. As soon as you remove the bars from the oven, press them again with the back of a lightly oiled spatula. (This will give you more compacted granola bars.)



Let the bars cool completely in the pan. They will firm up as they cool. Once cooled, use the flaps of the parchment paper to remove the entire square from the pan. On a cutting board and using a sharp knife, cut into 8 bars. Store between layers of wax paper in an airtight container for up to two weeks. To make them easier to slip into back packs and lunch boxes, you can also wrap each bar individually in wax paper or plastic wrap.



Mixin' It Up

Dark Chocolate Cherry Almond: 1 1/2 cup oats, 1 cup crispy rice cereal, 1 cup chopped almonds, 1 cup dried cherries, 1/2 cup chopped good quality dark chocolate pieces, 1 teaspoon almond extract (in place of vanilla extract)

Cranberry Pecan Bars: 1 1/2 cups oats, 1 1/2 cups crispy rice cereal, 1/2 cup pecan pieces, 1 cup dried cranberries, 1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice

Tropical Fruit Bars: 1 1/2 cup oats, 1 1/2 cups Kashi Go Lean cereal, 1/2 cup chopped macadamia nuts, 1 cup diced dried pineapple and mango pieces

Peanut Chocolate Bars: 1 1/2 cup oats, 1 1/2 cup crispy rice cereal, 1 cup chopped peanuts, 1/2 cup chopped good quality dark chocolate